Your Husband and Porn

Click image to download free ebook: Your Husband and Porn.
Click image to download free ebook: Your Husband and Porn.

One of the most heart wrenching questions I’m asked about pornography, the one I most dread getting goes something like this: ‘my husband looks at porn, I’m absolutely crushed. What do I do?’

The first thing I tell these women—and to be honest, in the past, have told my wife—’you ought to be crushed! You ought to feel hurt; angry; betrayed. In you were’t, I’d be worried.

Porn is Adultery

Obviously there is a difference between committing adultery and looking at porn. For one, committing adultery isn’t as ready an option as googling “porn” on your phone. However there was this one guy who thought that it essentially amounted to the same thing. He said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:28).

Even Dr. Phil (yes, the Dr. Phil) agrees with Jesus on this point. He admits that Internet porn “is not OK behavior.” He says that “It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.”

Free eBook

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If your husband struggles with pornography please download this free eBook. It’s an awesome Recovery Guide for Wives that will help you begin to answer some of the big questions:

  • Why does he look at porn?
  • Is this my fault?
  • Is our marriage over?

It also offers some practical tips for bringing healing and reconciliation to your relationship:

  • Communicating productively
  • Setting boundaries for tough love
  • Finding intensive counseling to help him stop

18 thoughts on “Your Husband and Porn

  1. Just wanted to stop in and say that I order “Delivered” and got it in the mail this week, I couldn’t put it down. The raw and honest struggle of the writers blew me away. My husband has made so much progress in his struggle with lust (thanks be to God) but it’s a long, hard journey for the both of us. Reading the stories gave me renewed hope and fervor for fighting in this battle alongside my beloved. It also was a huge consolation to my past sins and the sins I see my sisters in Christ struggling with – we’re not alone! Can’t wait to share this book with friends and family. Many blessings to you and your family this Advent season, Matt!

  2. Matt, like all red blooded males, I struggle to maintain chaste eyes and heart in the age of instant communication of every form of unchastity a person can imagine. Just turn on the TV at any hour of the day and the assault begins. Get behind a computer in a closed room and we’re all just one click away from committing deadly sin. It’s a battle that can only be won through much prayer and a daily struggle to remain pure and holy. With that said, I wonder how many husbands out there struggle with wives who’ve bought into the worldly notion that the marital union is one that needs to be earned, not freely given. I’m not saying that a wife needs to be at the beck and call of her husband whenever the wind blows. What I am saying, however, is that if wives only knew how much a husband needs the marital union with his spouse to remain chaste, in a world saturated with illicit sex and pornographic images everywhere, perhaps they would cease to view their husbands as base animals with “only one thing on their mind.” Without being graphic, I will say that when I’m in the embrace of my wife, I feel my loved, respected and truly a man. To the women who may read this post, your husband needs you to love him with your words and, if you’re physically and mentally able, with your bodies. If a man commits adultery, he will have to atone for his sin. However, isn’t it God’s plan to help your spouse get into Heaven? I’m telling anyone who will listen…help your husband on his journey according to Ephesians chapter 5. For our part, we will do the same for you. Paul

    1. Paul, in most cases men do not seek out porn because their wives do not respond to them sexually or in a loving manner. So many wives have the same complaints about their husbands. We nuture and give all day to our husbands and families but at the end of the day many husbands are not concerned about the nurturing needs of their wives. What women wants to make love with a man who has his eyes on other women or is constanly filirting with younger women. Also women do have sexually needs and very strong ones but are embarressed to talk about it. Millions of women suffer in silence because their husbands are impotent. It’s the elephant in the living room in many homes. When is the Church going to change it’s attitude towards women and their sexuality. Men need to learn more about self control and about intimacy just as it is taught to most women from childhood. Jesus knew the old testament when he did not condem the women for being caught in adultry. Dueteronomy 22:22 If a man is caught having relations with a woman who is married, both the man and the women shall die

    2. your wife is not your answer to your problem….your issues started long before she met you. priests don’t need sex to remain chaste…either do you. go theophostic and get to the root of your problems. you should be giving advice to the men to be in a humble and begging for mercy everyday for the rest of your lives what you have done to your wife. your eyes are still on yourself.

      1. The priests receive many graces, much more than the married men. In addition they have two guardian angels instead only one. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to resist the sexual temptations.

      2. Dear Standing,
        I agree. My wife is not my problem. I do beg for mercy and would recommend to all men to do the same. I pray for her daily and daily consecrate my marriage and my family members individually to the Blessed Mother. Do I fall into sin at times?. Unfortunately, yes. However, I fully recognize that I can only work to change myself, with God’s help, and that I need to cooperate with His plan for my wife, not impede it.
        My point is that men didn’t create sex, God did and He intended it for the two-fold purpose to bring forth new life and to bind a husband and wife together. I’ve yet to meet a married man who didn’t want to have sex with his wife but I’ve met countless wives who’ve stated directly or indirectly, that they could easily live with out it. So, is every husband who desires his wife and struggles against the flesh a failed man needing theophostic healing? I say no and, from the many confessions I’ve had with our Pastor, I believe he would agree. However, can a man feel sorry for himself and willingly enter into the sin of pornography with all its devastating effects. Yes, of course.
        My eyes are indeed on myself but I try daily to lift them to Jesus and to his cross. I will pray that you will still be standingstrong when all the dust settles from our present battle. Please pray for me, too.
        Paul

    3. I want to go ahead and agree with Paul as much as I’m able.

      I think, due to the fact that we live in a pornified culture where men have been taught to value women as nothing more than sex objects, the temptation for us as Christians, can be to view any married man who has a strong desire for sex (or at least stronger than his wife) as someone who “only has one thing on his mind,” and needs to become more Holy. Needs to pray more rosaries or something.

      This may be true, but it also may not be!

      There may certainly be (and indeed are) cases when the woman ought to reflect upon her lack of desire for sex, and see it as a defect. She may need to understand that it is negatively affecting her and her relationship with her husband.

      Thanks for your thoughts, Paul.

  3. Married Catholic men would be wise to follow what our Orthodox Jewish brothers do to avoid the near occasion of sin. It sounds overly strict but you give up little in order to gain great trust in your marriage. Besides, it’s easier to stay on the right side of a strict line than a loosey-goosey one. No porn. Do not hug or otherwise touch other women. Avoid tabloid type news on the Internet or magazines — you don’t need to know what the starlets are wearing or doing. Avert your eyes from young strangers of the opposite sex you encounter in public. Don’t dissipate your sexual passions in these ways — save them for your marital bed. Challenge yourself to follow these rules for six months and see how much passion you have for your spouse.

  4. Unless you are the spouse in this type of a marriage, you cannot possibly understand the rage and pain that accompany the cheating of your spouse in this manner. Especially when one’s spouse refuses to see the harm they are causing, nor the hurt. I am in this situation, and have been for 40 years. It took many, many years to connect the way my spouse treats me with the porn viewing. My marriage is essentially over, has been for years because of this. I remain with my spouse because of my family, and I will not hurt my children, nor damage the family ties, but I would never trust my spouse again.

  5. You should read the book by Fr. Donald Calloway, MIC called “Under the Mantle: Marian Thoughts from a 21st Century Priest.” The last 2 chapters deal with Masculinity and Femininity and are the best thing I’ve ever read from a Catholic priest (or layman) on the subject. Fr. Calloway nails the real issues and offers real and proven ways to change. God bless.

  6. Ok, Porn viewing is mortal sin: Now beyond that, do you know which segment of society is the fastest growing porn addicts? women! they may have surpassed men in numbers. thank you internet!, As far back as 5 years ago women was at the 48 percent level of total viewers. so the myth of men being nasty beasts only is burst. romance novels, with steamy passages, chick flicks, materialistic shopping sprees, TV shows with Don Johnsons’ etc. adultery, on the part of so many women, threat of divorce and taking a man’s children, family, money and future in the evil and unjust anti man court system. How about shitty haughty attitudes of so many American women, Could that have anything to do with men possessing effective levels of testosterone viewing porn? For those women who feel offended, hurt by porn. well look in mirror first, after all its your sisters who delight in doing the posing. Just see how many not so virginal young women are posting self-ies on net and face book. I see you on the street, at work, in the school, and at mass dressed for sex. Looking the other way is about all I can get done these days. Here is! a fact of nature created by God for natural purposes men are made to look and see. why then are you putting on the show and then complaining about drawing a great crowd Take the plank out from you eye fist ladies.

  7. Habitual pornography viewing is an addiction. It’s not just the viewing that becomes addicting, but the masturbation that accompanies it. It’s impossible for someone at this level to just “stop” without spiritual help and a game plan to combat the impulse. There is a 12-step group called Sex Anonymous that has helped many people. Also, there are medications that can lower the libido for a time while new behavior is learned. Sexual impulses come from the brain and are further fueled by the adversary who loves to see humans fall into this eternally damning sin of lust. As Our Lady of Fatima said, “more souls go to hell for sins of the flesh than for any other reason.” Once pornography and masturbation reach the addiction level, it is not going to just go away. Overcoming any addiction requires the desire to stop and the realization that it will take a power greater than yourself (God) to restore you to sanity. – Suzanne, former porn addict

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