Catholic, Gay, and Feeling Fine
364June 14, 2012 by mattfradd
The following article has been written by Steve Gershom. Steve is a pro-Catholic, pro-chastity man with same-sex attraction.
I personally don’t believe we should use the word “gay” to describe a person. (This article should demonstrate why) However, this is Steve’s article, not mine and I believe that overall it’s a very helpful one which people need to read. Enjoy!
I have heard a lot about how mean the Church is, and how bigoted, because she opposes gay marriage. How badly she misunderstands gay people, and how hostile she is towards us. My gut reaction to such things is: Are you freaking kidding me? Are we even talking about the same church?
When I go to Confession, I sometimes mention the fact that I’m gay, to give the priest some context. (And to spare him some confusion: Did you say ‘locker room’? What were you doing in the women’s…oh.) I’ve always gotten one of two responses: either compassion, encouragement, and admiration, because the celibate life is difficult and profoundly counter-cultural; or nothing at all, not even a ripple, as if I had confessed eating too much on Thanksgiving.
Of the two responses, my ego prefers the first — who doesn’t like thinking of themselves as some kind of hero? — but the second might make more sense. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m special or extraordinary. It just means that my life is not always easy. (Surprise!) And as my friend J. said when I told him recently about my homosexuality, “I guess if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.” Meaning that nobody lives without a burden of one kind or another. As Rabbi Abraham Heschel said: “The man who has not suffered, what can he possibly know, anyway?”
Where are all these bigoted Catholics I keep hearing about? When I told my family a year ago, not one of them responded with anything but love and understanding. Nobody acted like I had a disease. Nobody started treating me differently or looking at me funny. The same is true of every one of the Catholic friends that I’ve told. They love me for who I am.
Actually, the only time I get shock or disgust or disbelief, the only time I’ve noticed people treating me differently after I tell them, is when I tell someone who supports the gay lifestyle. Celibacy?? You must be some kind of freak.
Hooray for tolerance of different viewpoints. I’m grateful to gay activists for some things — making people people more aware of the prevalence of homosexuality, making homophobia less socially acceptable — but they also make it more difficult for me to be understood, to be accepted for who I am and what I believe. If I want open-mindedness, acceptance, and understanding, I look to Catholics.
Is it hard to be gay and Catholic? Yes, because like everybody, I sometimes want things that are not good for me. The Church doesn’t let me have those things, not because she’s mean, but because she’s a good mother. If my son or daughter wanted to eat sand I’d tell them: that’s not what eating is for; it won’t nourish you; it will hurt you. Maybe my daughter has some kind of condition that makes her like sand better than food, but I still wouldn’t let her eat it. Actually, if she was young or stubborn enough, I might not be able to reason with her — I might just have to make a rule against eating sand. Even if she thought I was mean.
So the Church doesn’t oppose gay marriage because it’s wrong; she opposes it because it’s impossible, just as impossible as living on sand. The Church believes, and I believe, in a universe that means something, and in a God who made the universe — made men and women, designed sex and marriage from the ground up. In that universe, gay marriage doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit with the rest of the picture, and we’re not about to throw out the rest of the picture.
If you don’t believe in these things, if you believe that men and women and sex and marriage are pretty much whatever we say they are, then okay: we don’t have much left to talk about. That’s not the world I live in.
So, yes, it’s hard to be gay and Catholic — it’s hard to be anything and Catholic — because I don’t always get to do what I want. Show me a religion where you always get to do what you want and I’ll show you a pretty shabby, lazy religion. Something not worth living or dying for, or even getting up in the morning for. That might be the kind of world John Lennon wanted, but John Lennon was kind of an idiot.
Would I trade in my Catholicism for a worldview where I get to marry a man? Would I trade in the Eucharist and the Mass and the rest of it? Being a Catholic means believing in a God who literally waits in the chapel for me, hoping I’ll stop by just for ten minutes so he can pour out love and healing on my heart. Which is worth more — all this, or getting to have sex with who I want? I wish everybody, straight or gay, had as beautiful a life as I have.
I know this isn’t a satisfactory answer. I don’t think any words could be. I try to make my life a satisfactory answer, to this question and to others: What are people for? What is love, and what does it look like? How do we get past our own selfishness so we can love God and our neighbors and ourselves?
It’s a work in progress.
Steve can be found at www.stevegershom.com
What wisdom from a young man. I am truly impressed how you have kept things in perspective of all the issues facing gay men. God bless you.
@Francisedward and Peter
I want to thank you both for your stories/comments here! It truly warms my heart knowing there are others out there like me! I am a Catholic Lesbian. I have been in a committed relationship for going on 3 years now. And She is the love of my life. I love the Catholic faith and I embrace the teachings as a good Catholic should. I go to mass on Sundays, I pray often in fact.
But like both of you, I am not graced with being able to be ‘celibate.’ It’s not my personal love language. I’d be miserable if I lived the single life. I’ve tried it. And like many of our brothers and sisters in the church, I know i’m a sinner. But I also know i have just as much right to be in church like they do. I’m in the exact same place as both of you and I really wish you all the love and compassion in the world. I am sorry for the hateful comments or messages you’ve been getting. Those people just don’t understand and we should pray for them.
I also wanted to invite you to continue to discuss this topic further with me on facebook or e-mail. I really am interested in more of what both of you have to say on the subject and how your faith is playing out for you both. Thank you so much and God Bless!
Franchesca,
Blessings to you!
Just want to acknowledge this so you have accurate information about the Catholic faith and teachings.
A primary teaching in the Church is that one has a contrite, repentant heart regarding their sin. I’m not comparing you to anyone else in the pew because I don’t know where they stand regarding sin and the Church teachings.
The question is, are you seeing living out the homosexual tendencies as sinful? If you see it as sinful and confess it, you should have a contrite heart of trying not to sin again.
If you don’t see it as sinful, you are not living the teachings of the Catholic Church. I wasn’t clear on where you stand in your post. You seemed to say both.
I would say the same thing to a heterosexual who is having premarital sex, or masturbating; or a married person who is not living the married life chastely.
Dear Deep,
Blessings to you as well!
I can assure you my dear, I have FULL respect for the church and it’s teachings. I graduated from a Catholic college that I chose to attend. I’m fully detailed on why the Catholic church is the way it is.
As for what it is you’re asking of me. Well, that’s the whole subject at hand isn’t it? For those of us who are homosexual and still choose to believe the Catholic faith. It’s a difficult road but one that it sounds like not just myself? But others walk none the less.
What I was saying was to my fellow men who are homosexual with partners and still are active in the Catholic church. It sounds like they understand where I’m coming from and go through the same struggles. As for the man who wrote this article? Good for him for being able to live the single life. It is a grace. But not one that many possess. All i was saying is that I live my life the best that I can and work with what I have.
I, like Peter, don’t believe i was made to be on my own for the rest of my life just because I’m gay. And also like him, I believe that just because we love someone of the same sex, it doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to practice our faith in the Catholic church. He mentioned he was active in the church and sounds like he volunteers his time. That’s a beautiful thing for anyone to do. We can all agree he’s a good person and has a good heart. So why then, should he not be allowed to love who he loves?! To share that beautiful heart with someone who appreciates it and accepts his love in return?!
I was simply saying I know where he’s coming from.
God Bless
There is a group called Exodus International that converts gay people to straight. I might also add that I’ve heard sin described as “missing the mark”. Is it possible that those with gay desires are missing the mark? I do believe that satan will use whatever tactics to plant thoughts in our minds to cause us to miss the mark. There are people who are attracted to all kinds of things they should not be and vehemently compelled to behaviors that are harmful to them. Heck there are even people that are so compelled to cut their own limbs off to achieve what they believe is happiness. I’m serious about that. (Google “body integrity disorder”). I don’t know if you’ve read any of Joyce Meyers but in Battlefield of the Mind (for instance) she references multiple bible verses about what our thoughts are and how we should be paying attention to them. We are to take every THOUGHT captive that goes against the will of God. My guess is that in your thought life, you are thinking a lot about how much you love sex with this man, or how much you love this man etc. Satan convinces us in the first person, He’s not a cute little red cupid tempting you to have another cookie. He is cunning and he is probably implanting thoughts that are harmful to you. Those kinds of thoughts being “i love this man’s this or that” or whatever. As far as being born gay, I have checked into this and have found no study that really shows this to be true at all. (any more than those attracted to their mothers are born that way). I really did study them with an open mind and couldn’t see anything remotely convincing that this type of attraction takes place via genetics. Simon LeVay is often attributed to finding the gay gene, however he denies this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_LeVay , I personally know a man who wanted to become a woman. He was very convinced that this was his destiny and that this was his key to happiness. I knew after talking him that he was deluded, however he told me that he would have to go for counseling for a year before he was approved. I figured “well if I can talk to him for 2 hours and figure out he’s deluding himself, a trained professional will also quickly see this,. However, low and behold, this man WAS approved for the operation. It wasn’t until after he was approved (and had grown boobs with hormone pills) that he decided against it. He is today a happy man and glad he did not go through with the operation. There are many who have gone through sex changes and realized it was a mistake. Google “sex change regret” . Again, I go back to satan convincing us that something of something that we want, that is actually harmful and really won’t bring peace and happiness. I also want to comment to the writer of the article. If you are not having sex with men, why ‘come out’ to family and friends at all? Why not work on your own thought life? Joyce Meyer says to ‘pay attention to your thought life” and to cast out thoughts contrary to scripture. If we continue to do this, the evil thoughts will eventually diminish. To conclude, we dont’ have to have these labels and miss the mark. Any kind of change is hard, but it is possible and it is rewarding.
[...] http://mattfradd.com/2012/06/14/catholic-gay-and-feeling-fine/ [...]
Well said. You just said what I’ve been feeling. I, too, am attracted to men and very much wish I wasn’t so I could lead a normal, heterosexual life. For me, I am a Latter-day Saint (Mormon) and I strongly believe that God never intended lasting emotional and spiritual benefit to occur from a homosexual relationship. In many ways, this challenge keeps me turning back to God. I am very grateful that I have a trial that keeps me praying. Sure, it’s tough, but I learned from Christ’s example that my same-sex attraction, in comparison to His life’s challenges, is very manageable and will eventually lead me down a better road if I remain faithful. Thank you.
The mind is very powerful. People can convince themselves of anything, even the will to live can be overridden with thoughts of suicide. Educated, thoughtful, reasonable adults can become mired in their own thoughts of hoarding. The claim is not that “I am gay”, but rather that “I think I am gay”.
Just like you ‘think’ you’re straight? That is one of the most ignorant remarks on this page. Thank you for demonstrating your lack of intellect to the world.
I must disagree with you and your view that homosexuality is a burden (written in the third paragraph). I am a homosexual, and my homosexuality is, above all, a blessing.
Thank you so much Joseph for being frank about how you feel but please try to start on a journey with and to our lord Jesus. May his Grace and Holy Spirit accompany you. Trust me if ever you try and pray to understand what Steven is trying to say… it will one day be made clear to you. that’s the Promise Jesus made to all seek and you shall find…
Hey Matt- You’ll find that Steve agrees with you about the the usage of the term gay. This was the beginning of a post on his blog: “My dear friend A. recently revealed to me that she’s bisexual, or whatever you want to call it — I’m no more comfortable with that term than I am with the term “gay,” but you know what I mean.” I think he uses it to reach a greater audience.
[...] else that doesn’t fit the unserious nation’s narrative: a gay Catholic man who supports his Church and fellow [...]
thank you so much.
I am just writing to say thank you for your comments and insights. I am not homo-sexually inclined but I have been waiting a number of years to hear a genuine, realistic dialogue from someone who considers their Faith and their sexuality seriously.
Thank you Steve and Matt!
I applaud your courage, morality, and maturity. May God bless you.
same Here…
Your idiocy is offensive. Surely you’re not paid to write such ludicrous and ridiculous articles? Really!?
[...] this end meet Steve Gershom, a pro-Catholic, pro-chastity man with same-sex [...]
This is probably the most inspiring and honest article I have ever read. It really puts things in perspective for the life of a homosexual. I cannot agree with you more on everything you have said. Thank you very much for sharing your spectacular story with everyone. God bless!
[...] with love that Christ calls us to live out our lives as Christians. As a Catholic blogger wrote, “So, yes, it’s hard to be gay and Catholic — it’s hard to be anything and Catholic — [...]
Very admirable….(:
Love the Catholic Church, love this article and love you for your openness and willingness to share. God bless!!!
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